16) TOBIAS> EVERYTHIN: A NEW START

WARNING: Minor spoilers!...

Author's Note: I don't know how to add the two dots over the "u" in "Funke". 

I'll apologize in advance for this.

If you spend a lot of time on the Internet (I can only assume so. Why else would you be reading this?), lately you will have seen nothing but White House "scandals" and Arrested Development chatter. Old-timers are understandably thrilled that the Bluths are back, and the newbies are hopping on the bandwagon left and right. It all can be a little much. The coverage and hype are inescapable. Twitter and Facebook have become a sludge of rehashed memes, quotes over-quoted and beaten to death, and sepia toned homemade Bluth frozen bananas.

The show could have used some of this enthusiasm when it was buried on Friday nights and struggling to get renewed, so it's not all unwelcome. It's nice to see AD finally get its due fan obsession, but we always do this with great things; we make them about me.  Look at how much me love it! Look how big a fan me is! Retweet me! Like me! Everybody should like me because everybody likes the show! Right?! Right!! Give me validation for something that, truly, has nothing to do with me!

I'm as guilty as anyone, as far as taking advantage of the social flavor of the month. Recently I've asked myself why me can't just sit back and appreciate the greatness of great things.

SIDE NOTE ON GREATNESS (because I don't know how to do footnotes): Isn't it one of life's beautiful coincidences that the release of the long-awaited fourth season of AD coincides with the NBA conference finals? If you happen to be a basketball fan and an AD fan, you're walking on goddamn sunshine. It's like you took the Limitless pill from Limitless. You're getting up at 5:00 AM and running four miles before work. You're high fiving the managing partners and buying jumbo prawn-brunches for homeless people.You gladly tolerate the daily grind when you know greatness is in your future, that is, if the Heat are on tonight and you haven't binged through the whole AD season yet. Whether or not you like LeBron James, you cannot deny his rare genius and astounding athletic gifts. He is so much fun to watch, and we are privileged to witness his brilliance on the sports' biggest stage. I mean LOOK AT THIS:

Anyway, despite my die-hard fandom I didn't want to write about AD, to add my spew to the world's spewing spew. But then I got to episode five: "A New Start".

I "viewed" it the first time. I "viewed", rather than"watched", the same way one "hears" instead of "listens"; too much is coming at you in these new episodes to make an accurate assessment the first time around. The second time, I watched. And then I watched a second time, third total. In true AD form, each time was better than the last, each time a surprise party. By the end of the third watch, fourth overall, my face hurt. The episode was so good it made me physically tired, although part of that may have been Itis from leftover Memorial Day ribs.  My face collapsed into my open, BBQ sauce covered hands. I had witnessed the greatest episode of sitcom television of all time.

Along with being completely blown away by the overwhelming genius of it all,  part of me was also relieved. The first couple of episodes this season were somewhat uneven, in particular episode two. George Sr's Arrested Development, while watchable, had shockingly few laughs. Frankly it dragged, and I couldn't help but question the writers' decision to change to the 30 minute format. I also wondered why, with so many great actors that clicked with each other like a sports team mid-dynasty, they chose to go with one main character per episode.

But "A New Start" completely redeems the season's struggle out of the gates, and more than justifies the philosophy changes. "A New Start" could not have been achieved in any other season, of any other sitcom, by anyone other than our favorite blowhard analrapist.

When we are reunited with Tobias, we find him in a very similar position as the series pilot. He's broke, and worse his sexual inadequacy (read: disinterest) towards Lindsay has left his marriage, once again, in ruins. So as usual Tobias waits for the universe to offer him a sign, and soon he begins his "New Start", journeying to India on a soul searching quest inspired by Eat, Pray, Love...or at least Eat and Pray. Of course it wouldn't be Tobias unless every decision he makes and every word that comes out of his mouth got him arrested, sent to the hospital with skull fractures, or made him look like a pedophile.  I wouldn't be surprised if the writers, in creating Tobias' story, took some pages from the slightly less brilliant, equally cringe-inducing sitcom The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (Created by David Cross. Available on Netflix. Only 12 episodes. You have no excuse. WATCH IT). While Tobias and Todd are slightly different morons, I get the same delightful "Oh my god, how could he possibly make this any worse for himself" feeling in watching both characters.

Giving away as little as possible, "A New Start" is a pitch perfect opus to Tobias Funke. For newbies it is a wonderful introduction to your new favorite Uncle T-Bag and his dumbfounding obliviousness. For the long-time fans it builds off this character, taking Dr. Funke's quirks to new levels of absurdity, with enough signature "Huzzahs!" so that it still feels familiar. Among many misadventures, he finds a soul mate in a meth addict former actress, and dresses up like Fantastic Four's The Thing to sell pictures on Harvard Boulevard. If you don't watch the show (WHA?), the previous sentence alone should convince you to get your Netflix subscription. The episode is paced with staggering brilliance (again, these writers man...THESE WRITERS! COME ON!) as Tobias is offered lifeline after lifeline to escape his hardship, all of which he turns down with the stupidest smile ever.  The plot culminates in a punchline for the ages, one so good you would think the writers built the entire episode around it, just so we can hear the words come out his mouth.

I'm not too concerned with show business awards (except for this guy), but it would be a shame if David Cross wasn't at least nominated for an Emmy for his performance this season.  I can't think of a comedic actor more suited to a role than Cross to Tobias. For a guy who once said he would never do sitcoms, Cross has done pretty well for himself in the format. If three brilliant seasons had not done it, this fourth, hell, this episode, has vaulted Tobias into one of the greatest TV characters of all time.

I'm afraid to finish the fourth season of Arrested Development, if only because I know that might mean the end of Tobias, but as the show has become such a cultural phenomenon I wonder whether it will be. I suppose if we want to Save Our Bluths again all we can do is keep me-tweeting and me-liking. I feel like a fat attention-whore poser for doing so, but even if I have to take a chubby, I will suck it up.

TOBIAS > EVERYTHIN

15) THE OFFICE> EVERYTHIN: THE HALPERT DELUSION

I have a ginger-rap-artist-friend that blames the fall of the American man on Seth Cohen from The OC. He suggests that Seth Cohen, a nerd and coward, never in real life would've been able to "pull" Summer Roberts, who was wealthy, popular and incredibly sexy, way more so than Seth.   But even if that weren't the case, Seth severely lacked the charisma that might have compensated for his gooberish physical attractiveness, or perhaps unattractiveness. His greatest failing was always that he was such a puss. 

Their relationship had little basis in reality, but the show was a generational touchstone, so in addition to being a plot hole that spanned the series, the Seth-Summer relationship has instilled, in the millions of gooberish real world men who bought the DVD box set, completely unreasonable sexual expectations. Again I'll argue, it's not just the discrepancy in attractiveness. A lot of women I know find Seth Cohen incredibly attractive, in a "cool nerd" sort of way; if we're honest, most real world Seth Cohens are just "nerd nerd".

The disturbing fact is that these OC goobers hold on to the toxic idea that you don't have to expand your interests, and at least try to improve your physical appearance and health, to find mates that may be a little more "out of your league". No, she'll love me anyway is the mentality. She'll read my comic books and dress up like Wonder Woman and happily make love to a scrawny-chub body that is upholstered in acne. Worked for Seth!

No way.

So...TV shows aren't real...not exactly a breakthrough is it?

But what if they are real, or at least try to be, or at least for the first few seasons before the zaniness goes overboard? OK so The Office is finally coming to an end next week, and as former die hard this comes as welcome news. I remember discovering the show in high school and burning through two and a half seasons in a matter of days; I count the 2nd season among my favorites of any show. Like a lot of people my loyalty began to waver right around when Michael left for Colorado, and by the end of Will Ferrell's strange run it was no longer appointment viewing. I am now roughly two seasons behind and everything I know about this final season is hearsay. I guess Pam is dating the boom operator.

I was an Office goober, so I was in love with Pam Beasley. Smitten by her gentle playfulness and infuriated by her devotion to Roy, naturally I put myself in Jim Halpert's shoes. "Casino Night", the season two finale, was a masterful and devastating culmination of years of sexual tension and unrequited love. Jim professes his love to Pam outside of the warehouse, to which Pam can only reply "You have no idea what your friendship means to me". I can't think of a more crushing response. It was like she was shutting me down,and I took it like a punch to the gut.

So Jim moved to Connecticut before Season 3, forced to move on with his life,  but everyone who watches TV knew they would end up together. Sure enough, a series of convenient corporate layoffs brings Jim back to Scranton,  even though he was in a new relationship, we knew it was a matter of time. After a season of stalling, PB&J finally make it official, ending the show's most essential driving story and initiating its decline.

Of course, anyone that has ever been stuck in the Friend Zone knows that Halpert's comeback is absurd. 99% of the time you can't change the other person's mind about you; they either feel the same way or they don't. Jim has been working at the office with Pam for years when we enter the story. Years of, presumably, pranks and unacceptable workplace flirting with an engaged woman. If nothing had happened between them up to that point, then nothing was going to happen. If Jim and Pam had a drunken make out session at party the first weekend they knew each other their journey would make more sense. But they had worked together for that long and hadn't touched each other? Stick a fork in him.

 But the implausibility is not at the heart of "The Halpert Delusion"; we've already established that TV shows aren't real. Like "The Cohen Conceit", "The Halpert Delusion" is toxic because you are paralyzed into maintaining the status quo. Getting over someone is hard, but you find ways to cope; maybe you, I don't know, move to a new city! And you may suffer for a time, but once you've reached the other side you could find that you've grown; you have new interests and talents that you didn't even know you possessed. You might even say "What the hell did I see in this person? Moving was the best thing that ever happened to me."

But hey, you gotta hand it to Jim though...right? Defying all odds, his Herculean mental effort to escape the Friend Zone succeeds. All the suffering, loneliness, self-pity, it was all worth it. After all, who needs Oscar nominee Amy Adams,  Rashida Jones,and New York City? Jim's got paper. Jim's got Scranton. Jim's got Pam Beasley... the art school dropout. "But Jim loved her!" you might say. And yes, love is important, but it's hardly everything. What about your career? Your sense of satisfaction in your social life? Your pride? Age?   Jim turns down potentially life changing opportunities so he can wake up every morning, spend the day selling paper and pulling pranks with Pam, go home every night and rub one out to her Facebook photos? To conclude, let's just recap. Jim turns down this:

... and then THIS:



...for this:



...where were his friends?



THE OFFICE> EVERYTHIN