5) THE ROCK > EVERYTHIN: WHY THE ROCK WILL WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD

You heard it here first everyone: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson will be nominated for an Academy Award within the next five years. Yup. This guy.

I'll admit that it is often difficult to take him seriously, and so likely you won't take me seriously. I mean just look at his shirt in the third picture. He's been in some terrible movies, I won't deny that. But frankly who hasn't?

I'll also admit that I am a HUGE The Rock fanboy. There was a time in my life, up until I was about 10 or 11, that I knew as much about the WWF (I refuse on principal to refer to it as WWE) as I did any other sport. I idolized the wrestlers, memorized the finishing moves, ogled the divas, mastered the video games, EVERYTHING. And the Rock was by far my favorite, and when the Rock left pro wrestling to pursue his acting career was around the time I stopped tuning in. But my enthusiasm for the Rock hasn't changed. In fact during my senior year of college, the WWE announced that there would be a special guest host for Wrestlemania XXXIILV whatever, and the rumor was it was going to be The Rock! I tuned into Monday Night Raw for the first time in years on the night of the announcement. I was breathless with anticipation. Here's a clip (good stuff starts around 1:00).

Did you get chills? I was having a delirious emotional breakdown, my own Tom Cruise on Oprah moment. All the memories started coming back. 

I think the world of this guy, and he will forever be linked to my childhood. But even as legendary as a wrestler he is, I think he has the chops to be a special actor as well, and, under the right circumstances, turn in a performance capable of attracting the attention of the Academy. Here's why

1) He's a tremendous performer. Now if all you've seen from the Rock is The Tooth Fairy or Journey 2 then I'd imagine you might laugh in my face. But any of you that watched wrestling during the WWF Attitude era knows that The Rock was not just an incredibly gifted wrestler and a hulking specimen. His physical gifts were almost irrelevant. There were a lot of big guys in the WWF, but that's not why my brother and cousins and I would scarf down whatever my grandma made for Sunday dinner, scramble into her basement and fight over couch space to watch Sunday Night Heat. This is why.

There are dozens of clips just like this on YouTube; I know this because I just watched them all.  In the world of pro wrestling, no one was better with a mic in his hand. No one was better at selling a fight  Notice his use of pauses. His evangelical inflection. His sense of dramatic and comedic timing. But most of all, notice his energy. How he builds to an eruptive finish that sends an audience of 30,000 Texans, and the millions (and millions!) watching at home into a frenzy. That's not just hammy schtick...well it is, but it's innate hammy schtick. You can't teach it.

2) His career is hitting its stride.



The Rock is in everything. I feel like every trailer I watch now has half the shot filled by his biceps alone. He works a ton and he's a huge draw, so the fact that he's in a good number of bad movies is mathematical. He gets paid a lot to do a lot of movies. He clearly had a chat with Eddie Murphy.

I cannot wait to see Pain and Gain, the upcoming Michael Bay-directed movie about bodybuilders who turn into criminals, because it is considerably different than his norm. Look at the cast! Mark Wahlberg. Ed Harris. Tony Shalhoub. Anthony Mackie. Real actors!  Would you have ever imagined The Rock alongside actors like that, or doing even a semi-serious movie? It's becoming clearer with everything he does that The Rock is as talented as he is marketable. He's still doing the popcorn action flicks, as he should. He is arguably the biggest action star in the world right now, and movies like Hercules: The Thracian Wars and Lore are his bread and butter. But it's becoming clear that the Brahma Bull is interested in being more than that.



3) All it takes is the right role, the right script, the right director. Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights comes to mind, as does Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, even George Clooney in Up in the Air. These are actors were put in roles that, in a way, reflected their own struggles. Burt Reynolds in his character unearths his own prolific career in the film industry and his quest to be taken seriously. Mickey Rourke samples his own self destruction and self alienation. Clooney addresses his inability to settle down, never really being tied to anyone.

Pain and Gain could have been that role for The Rock, but what worries me is not the People's Champion's acting chops, but I just don't think much of Michael Bay or that PG-13 rating. What it would take is a director who can humanize the The Rock. As I mentioned, he's such a larger than life figure. He's done that role about a million times, and at this point you're really not going to change that. But  now I want to see him vulnerable. The perfect role for him would be one in which his character is unable to solve the problems he is facing in his journey despite his overwhelming physical strength, or maybe even because of it. If you've read Things Fall Apart or The Rock's autobiography The Rock Says...(you likely haven't, but it is a tremendous read) you understand the internal conflict I'm talking about. The Rock struggled mightily in his life before stardom; he floated aimlessly around Canadian Football League practice squads and the minor league professional wrestling circuit, living in the shadow of his own father who is a legend in that world. There is a lot from his own life that The Rock could draw from in creating such a character. Audiences love stories about fallen heroes, tales of strong men made weak by the circumstances that surround them. The Rock is made for a role like that.


Maybe I'm just blinded by my devotion to The Rock, but there's a lot of actors in my opinion who have greatness in them but just need an opportunity (Charlie Day anyone?). But frankly if you can't see it and continue to typecast "the most electrifying man in all of entertainment", you can take your narrow, close-minded opinion, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass! IF YAAA SMEEEEELLLLALALALALAOWWWW WHAT THE ROCK. IS. COOKING. Cue the music.

THE ROCK > EVERYTHIN

4) OFFICE BOUNDARIES> EVERYTHIN

I'm currently locked in a bitter and frustration war of attrition against the other receptionist in my office, and I'm losing. Like most wars, this one is ugly, childish, seemingly unending, and could have been avoided if office boundaries had been maintained.

It started with small things, magnifying every little mistake I made. Suddenly I couldn't write legibly enough. I was not handling the parking validations correctly. I was forbidden to snack at the desk because my munching was "unprofessional." "Your hair color is unprofessional", is what I wanted to say.

I woke up late one day and didn't have time to shave. "I know you like your stubble" she said, not making eye contact, "but we have to look presentable".

So what happened?

Everything was pretty good up until about a month ago. We had always been polite, even friendly with each other. Even though she is about twice my age,  we have very little in common, and she has throaty cackle for laugh, we worked reasonably well together. While we worked, about three feet away from each other, we were mostly silent, pretending not to see what was on the other's computer monitor. When we did talk we commented on the weather, the Lakers poor performance from the previous night, how we wished it was Friday, and that's it! Classic, boring workplace small talk that makes the world turn and keeps everyone happy.

But she was also gossipy, and often dished on the legal secretaries, attorneys, staff, everyone.
And as it turned out, she couldn't leave well enough alone. She wanted to be friends. She started asking all kinds of unnecessary questions, about my personal life and relationships. I would answer them to the extent which I deemed appropriate.  My responses to these questions were brief ("No I don't have a girlfriend", "I'm not sure who I'm voting for", "I was raised Catholic"). I bobbed and weaved as best I could, offering perfectly reasonable deflections that any normal person would have picked up on. I had no interest in elevating small talk into medium talk

But as I returned to reading Deadspin she would sit looking at me, almost anxiously, clearly wondering why I hadn't asked her any questions about her life. So she continued pressing, and then one day she must have decided she was tired of waiting.

"So my crazy ex-boyfriend called me last night."

"What was that?" I asked. I was in the middle of georgraphy-related Sporcle game.

"I said I had this crazy boyfriend", she said, a bit more grating this time.

"Oh really?"

"He would bring me flowers every day and be like 'Baby I love you'. He was very clingy. And you know I'm the type of person that needs to, you know, have my own space. So I would go out with my girlfriends without him and he would get all upset and be calling me and calling me. He'd show up at my house, I would have to call the police. I dumped him. I don't do clingy. I need to do my own thing. That's why I married so late."

"I see"

"It was hard, because you know people say getting married at 36 was old. People judge, you know. I couldn't just be tied down to one guy. I was young! Like you! You know what I mean! RIGHT?!", she cackled.

"Yup." I smiled.  She waited for me to speak, but  instead I slowly swiveled my chair the other way and continued my Sporcle game.

Not the coolest thing I've ever done, blowing her off like that. I'm sure someone closer to her age and gender would be more willing to chit-chat about past relationships and personal lives. Female-male workplace boundaries are easily the most rigid, and "ex-boyfriends" is not a topic I'm interested under most circumstances. Also I forgot to pause my Sporcle timer, so I didn't have time for a conversation about social norms.

Here's a story: my roommate does social media for a TV network. They were promoting their new channel in Africa on Facebook, and a post came in accusing one of their company's employees, let's call him Charlie, of being into hardcore strange BDSM sex fetishes, passing along his user ID for a related website. My roommate quickly deleted the post, assuming it was false. But when he brought it up to Charlie, the guy sheepishly admitted to everything! To be fair, it's not like Charlie was doing anything wrong or illegal. But something that should always be personal was made public, and now every time my roommate sees Charlie he imagines him with a gag in his mouth and a fuzzy handcuffs on his wrists.

So because I didn't want to listen to her crazy boyfriend story she turned on me.  This has been going on for a while now, and though my job performance has probably improved, the tension is really hard to ignore. Sometimes we revert back to our standard small talk and things get better, but for whatever reason she still wants to know the real me, which is flattering but not likely. I want to avoid a Charlie scenario by any means necessary, and if that means I have to take a little abuse so be it.

Maybe I should be more appreciative. But maybe she should also lay off my facial hair.


OFFICE BOUNDARIES>EVERYTHIN

3) STORMING THE COURT> EVERYTHIN: WHY YOU NEED TO GO TO A SPORTS SCHOOL

This awesome thing happened last night...

...but more on than later. First a word of advice. If anyone reading this is applying to college or deciding between schools,  please, go to a school that has a decent athletic program.

“But such and such college has an amazing business/studio art/screenwriting program!”, you might say. And those things matter too. There were a lot of great programs and great people at my alma mater. But the athletics there were weak and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect my relationship with the school, particularly post-graduation. And by athletics I'll go ahead and say "basketball and/or football". We had a top 10 water polo program, but storming a pool for some reason hasn't caught on.

We passed by the gymnasium during my first tour of the campus. My guide said that although they didn’t have a football team, everyone really got up for basketball season. It was “our thing” he said.

“Our thing? Sure it is, guy.” I said to myself. As a livelong college basketball junkie and never having seen this team play once on TV, I was naturally skeptical, and wondered whether I could stand four years of mediocrity. But I was soon taken in by the palm trees that line the central mall, and the inconceivable ocean view. The campus more closely resembled a tropical vacation getaway than a place of learning, the female population notwithstanding. As yet another blonde bombshell glided by I thought to myself “Everything else seems to fit. If the team is at least competitive during my four years here I’d be satisfied. An NIT bid would be enough to justify a four year resort vacation. Just be decent”.

We weren't decent. My freshman year “our thing” won three games. We were among the worst teams in division one basketball. After the season mercifully ended our coach was promptly fired, and our best player (who would be drafted by the Indiana Pacers three years later) transferred to greener pastures. The team improved slightly over my time in school, but we never even sniffed an NIT bid, In hindsight it was naive of me to expect that much. I love the school, but I haven't returned for a game since.

But maybe I would have if I had experienced a moment like this. Or this. Whoa, this one looks like fun! Look at Tom Crean's face in this one. Is that too much to ask for, an eight second highlight in an ESPN Top 10 that didn't include the word "Not" ?

The answer to that question is, "probably". Like so many things, Court storming is only great because its rare (Or at least it ought to be, Maryland fans) . It is a result of something that was really, really not supposed to happen. It is the trump card the TCUs of the world hold over the Kansases. Although court storming exists across the spectrum of college basketball programs,  it always a little sweeter the littler you are.

Ah! It's so great I had to post it again. To celebrate the greatness of this particular court storming let's break down the final moments with the shortest running diary in history.

0:00-0:08: As you can see from the score, the game wasn't all that close. Kansas has played like crap all game long, and true to form in trap games like this, the better team only starts hustling when they know it's all over. A Kansas player bricks a lay up, then another air balls a lay up, then a foul to delay the inevitable. 

0:13- Taller Guy: "We're getting some tonight man..."

0:30- He smiles like a kid on Christmas, takes a breath as he approaches the line. These free throws mean very little but he's never been more nervous. Of course he misses the second.

1:04- Game over. We see a split second of the first wave of fans, then we cut to Bill Self getting the obligatory handshake out of the way. I don't know the name of the TCU coach.

1:08- If you're careful you can see several players with hands raised in triumph, but they are soon enveloped by the delirious fans.

1:26- Finally rid of the ungracious and condescending Kansas coaching staff, the TCU coach can finally celebrate. He's giving measured high fives and is nearly chest-bumped into oblivion by a large fan.

1:45- That's not "Fight On". The two arched fingers apparently is about Raptors. TCU's mascot is the Horned Frogs. I don't get it either. Mid-majors rock!

1:58- When there's a winner there's always a loser.

Even if you're not a sports fan and you think I'm crazy for suggesting a game dictate your life choices, how could you not want this?! Look at the fans. Look at the players. Look at their faces. Pure happiness. Utter disbelief. They're jumping and flailing and screaming at the top of their lungs not because they're drunk but because their brains don't know how to synthesize what has just happened. So the only thing left to do is meet where it happened, in the center of a basketball court, to see if it's real and hug somebody you've never met.

I would've hugged that blonde.


STORMING THE COURT> EVERYTHIN

2) HEAVYWEIGHTS>EVERYTHIN: AN INTERNAL DIALOG

I return from a big lunch and take my seat at the reception desk. I'm bored and tired, but mostly tired. My eyes are heavy. Heavy...wait...

PAULY: “Remember Heavyweights?!?!?!”

WALNUTS: “Ha! Yes.”

PAULY: “Ben Stiller was great”

WALNUTS: “Best thing he’s ever done”

PAULY: “Judd Apatow wrote it”

WALNUTS: “Best thing he's ever done"

PAULY: “Goldberg was in it.”

WALNUTS: “Goldberg was in it.”

PAULY: "And Kenan. And Hamilton Porter from The Sandlot!"

WALNUTS: "Nope. Not Porter"

PAULY: "What? Really? That's impossible."

WALNUTS: “I know it's pretty strange. A 90's kids movie about a fat camp, and they don't bring on the fat kid from the 90's? Essential roles The Sandlot and The Big Green. Go figure."

PAULY: "I guess he wasn't. He must have been busy".  

An email comes in but I don't check it. Instead I lean back in my chair and chew on my pen cap.

WALNUTS: “Imagine casting for the kids in that movie. How would you word it? ‘We’re looking for ____ boys”

PAULY: “Heavy boys? Large boys?"

WALNUTS: “That could be misinterpreted. Maybe chubby? Chubby boys? If I were fat I don't know if I'd be offended by "chubby". There's absolutely nothing wrong with 'chubby'”

PAULY: “You know who else is in it? George Sr. himself! Jeffrey Tambor!”

WALNUTS: “(Tony Perkis voice) You wouldn’t want your father (checks the name) Maury Garner, to know that his son is a destroyer"

PAULY: “He has a great role! Worst Dad ever! God he’s awesome.”

WALNUTS: “I know! His son calls him and tells him that the camp he's paying for is nothing like the advertisements. He and the other campers are being abused and starved and ridiculed. Their letters home are being screened and confiscated. To all of this Maury sternly replies ‘I did not send you to GO KART CAMP!' What kind of response is that from a father!?”

Two terrible fathers

PAULY: “I suppose that's just Tambor's thing. And he does knock out Ben Stiller in the end, so he kinda makes up for it right? Plus Gerald wasn't really that memorable so I'm less outraged.”

WALNUTS: “It would’ve been nice to have the Hambino in that lead role now that you mention it. Wasted opportunity. Apart from Stiller the leads were sort of weak.”

PAULY: "Pat should've been played by Louis CK. He would've added necessary depth and anguish to the character. At the time he wasn't the big star he is now, so they could afford him. Plus, he's heavy. So it fits with the theme of the film."

WALNUTS: "Isla Fisher as the nurse?"

PAULY: "(Josh voice) This pleases me"

I Google Image search Isla Fisher. This pleases me.

WALNUTS: "But apart from the few casting issues, talk about an all-time classic." 

PAULY: "We must have watched Heavyweights and The Sandlot about a million times between the ages of 6-10. I'm surprised it doesn't get the kind of recognition The Sandlot gets. They're fairly similar movies. They both have an ensemble cast of kids that act like teenagers, trying to overcome the odds. But only The Sandlot gets the ABC Family reruns."

WALNUTS: "Maybe it's because The Sandlot was more about moments, if that makes sense. You had the roller coaster vomit scene, Squints' deception of Wendy Peffercorn at the pool, the Fourth of July game underneath the fireworks as Ray Charles belts it out in the background."

I get chills, just from the memory. I check the email. It's not important.

PAULY: "Heavyweights has its moments too. The weigh-in sequences with Lars and the camera, Ben Stiller swinging like a maniac on that branch hanging off the cliff, the out of control food orgy after the kids take over the camp! Every kid on the planet dreamed of participating in that!"

WALNUTS: "But Heavyweights is more about twists and turns. When Josh is kicked out of camp and then comes back, I stood up and cheered. Also I couldn't believe it when the fat British kid was so easily fooled by that fake chocolate kiss Ben Stiller makes. The stakes always felt a little bit higher in Heavyweights."  

PAULY: “Both are tremendous films. We are lucky to have been kids then. You could never make 'Heavyweights' work in 2013”

WALNUTS: “What do you mean?”

PAULY: "Well the first and most obvious reason is that the script is original. These days if the story isn't based on a book or a toy then it really doesn't have a shot."

WALNUTS: "Truth. A sad, sad, truth."

I sigh heavily as several partners walk by. "Wake up!" one says, mistaking the sigh for a yawn.

PAULY: “Second, do you think you could ever pitch it without making it sound like it’s a kids’ movie that makes fun of fat kids? You can't really get away with that anymore, the anti-bullying people would be all over it. There would be a Twitter outrage”

WALNUTS: “But it doesn't really make fun of fat kids."

PAULY: "I distinctly remember a scene where an enormous kid jumps on an inflated balloon called "The Blob", which propels the other fat kid high into the air and into the lake. This is in slow motion, set to "The Blue Danube"). Good for a laugh."

WALNUTS: "That wasn't that bad."

PAULY: "There's also a scene when the campers reveal the elaborate ways they hide the junk food. In the furniture, under the floorboard; one kid has salamis stuck to his back. Hilarious."

WALNUTS: "But we're still not making fun of the kids themselves."

PAULY: "In almost every single scene Ben Stiller makes fun of the kids themselves. He offers disparaging remarks over the PA system, verbally abuses them during their exercises, in particular pointing out their weight and why being fat makes them worthless. It's probably the best, most hilarious part of the whole movie."

WALNUTS: "But he was the villain and he falls in the end! The fat kids were the heroes! They stood up to the slim, athletic counselors and smoked those jerks from Camp MVP in the Apache Relay"

PAULY: "Good point. They also worked some serious game on those girls at the dance. That one kid gets a full on make out sesh. I can't remember the last time I've had one of those and I'm skinny as hell."

WALNUTS: "I'm just a love machine. And I won't work for nobody but you". 

I forgot who sings that song. I look it up.

PAULY: "Ok I agree there was some redemption in the end. But think about it this way: Gerald didn't lose any weight (Maury was visibly frustrated about it). None of the kids did. Gerald's happiness and self-esteem has improved, but his life expectancy and risk of heart disease did not. Plus, this kid's not going to have Goldberg and Kenan and Pat and all the Chipmunks to hang out with when he gets back to school. Who's to say Gerald won't fall back into the same eating habits and unhealthy lifestyle. So in the end what have we learned? It's okay to be obese as long as you are content to be so You shouldn't have to struggle if you don't want to? 

WALNUTS: "It's a no-win situation. The anti-bullying people would hate Heavyweights because they think it's making fun of obese kids. The people trying to end obesity would hate Heavyweights because they think glorifies being fat. 

PAULY: On one hand, this is America. On the other hand..."

WALNUTS: "..what would Michelle Obama think?"

PAULY: "Exactly! I'm telling you we're lucky, dude!"

WALNUTS: "When you're right, you're right. Also, Heavyweights deals with some pretty complex social issues."

PAULY: "That's what makes it great. Also LARS!"

WALNUTS: " Pffff your name is Lars?! What kind of name is that? Where are you from?"

PAULY: "....far away."

I giggle audibly in my seat.

HEAVYWEIGHTS > EVERYTHIN

\

1) MISS VICKIE'S JALAPEÑO CHIPS > EVERYTHIN

When it comes to snacks, if nothing else, I’m a chip man. Since I was a kid, greedily devouring Fritos at the snack bar between my basketball games, chips have been a food group I value highly, enjoy liberally, and take great pride in understanding. I choose the word “understanding” because I make no pretensions of being the most knowledgeable chip guy out there. Undoubtedly there are scholars out there whose knowledge of the chip, its cultural impact, and its health benefits far exceed my own.  I love chips the same way I love music. I may not necessarily know the really obscure hipster brands and independent chip makers, but I know what I like and I'm populist at heart. I believe there’s room in this world for the crunchy, satisfying numbness niche of Cape Cod Sea Salt and Vinegar, and the mainstream lingering fake cheese-spiciness of a Spicy Nacho Dorito.What I am is a fella who knows chips are great and tasty, and knows a great chip when he tastes one. So when I talk about Ms. Vickies Jalapeño being great, truly ">EVERYTHIN", know that when it comes to chips I'm worth my salt.


I first encountered Ms. Vickies Jalapeño chips in the cafeteria during my freshman year of college. Through high school and up until that time I had a steady thing going with Kettle brand Salt and Pepper Krinkle cuts. I was happy and we were doing ok, but this was college, babe. I was feeling adventurous and needed to experiment and try new things and generally "do me". It was the brand I noticed first, while standing in line at the register. I had never seen Ms. Vickies before, and being from Maryland I assumed it was a West Coast thing (Fortunately I have since seen plenty of Ms. Vickies in Subway's on the Atlantic coast). They were exotic and alluring, and piqued my youthful curiosity.

The following exchange between myself and the cashier, a reasonably friendly middle aged black woman who's name escapes me and we'll call Charla, is 100% authentic, and reveals the effect MVJ on the average person. I'll also mention that she hadn't said more than "Hey" and "Thanks" to anyone ahead of me.

Paul: Hello.
Charla: Hey.
(Charla notices the chips).
Charla: Ms. Vickies huh?
Paul: Yeah I've never had them before.
Charla: I fuck those chips up.
Paul: Oh good!

I opened the bag, took a nibble, and that was it for me. First, the seasoning. Sweet Jesus. The elegant balance between the salt and jalapeño dust is masterfully articulated in every bag. Rarely if ever will you find a chip overly seasoned. You might say "the over-seasoned chips are the best ones you wuss", and in some cases I'd agree (finding the one Cool Ranch Dorito in the bag that is completely covered in zesty ranch seasoning is a great joy for us all). But going overboard with Jalapeño flavors and spicy snacks in general can leave you in an uncomfortable situation, particularly when you're without a beverage. I've never once had that issue with MVJ. The execution is consistently phenomenal.

courtesy of bestpotatochips.com

And the crunch. That perfect, perfect crunch. These chips offer just enough resistance to allow for plenty of visceral, life giving munching. Again I'm on the side of subtlety here. (If anyone involved in the chip business is reading this, here's a friendly tip from a fan: if my jaw starts clicking after eating even a small number of your chips, then you ought to consider reducing the cruchiness. I love what you do but we can't all be heroes).

But perhaps the most impressive quality MVJ brings to the palate is its longevity. Like so many of us (I'm hoping, or this might sound odd), one of my favorite ways to eat chips is to pop a couple in my mouth and let them melt away slowly. In this manner of consumption, Vickie is simply on a different level of excellence. As I write this the MVJs in my mouth have been dissolving for no less than 7 minutes. This is madness. Pound for pound, we're talking about Now and Later, Jolly Rancher, Samuel L. Jackson levels of longevity. And it's not like they're even mushy or flavorless yet!

There was also a time where I had bought a bag of MVJ, opened it, forgot about it (shame on me) and left it open and exposed overnight. Realizing my horrific error the next morning, I desperately tried one if only to lick dry salvage the seasoning and discard the chip itself later. Miraculously, the chips tasted same-day fresh, and I ate the whole bag. Are you kidding me? I'll put it this way: if you leave a bag of Tostitos Restaurant Style open for 15 minutes, you might as well empty the bag into the garbage, and God help you if you put one of those decrepit triangles in your mouth. I would've had to immediately brush my teeth and drink a glass of water. A tall one.

The easiest place to find MJV is at Subway, but lucky for me the convenience store on the first floor of my building carries them, as well as the BBQ and salt and vinegar varieties. I sometimes mess with the other flavors, enjoyable flings to be sure, but I always come back to the Jalapeno. I eat one bag of these chips every day minimum. In my attempts to become a healthier person I have tried to develop a personal "no junk food before 11 AM" rule, but usually by 10:15 I have to sneak out and buy a bag because I'm weak and gross and Vickie is awful seductress. If you haven't tried them you might not understand, but if you have you probably fuck those chips up too. So say it with me now...

MISS VICKIE'S JALAPENO CHIPS> EVERYTHIN.