OVEREVERYTHIN: 2) HEAVYWEIGHTS>EVERYTHIN: AN INTERNAL DIALOG

I return from a big lunch and take my seat at the reception desk. I'm bored and tired, but mostly tired. My eyes are heavy. Heavy...wait...

PAULY: “Remember Heavyweights?!?!?!”

WALNUTS: “Ha! Yes.”

PAULY: “Ben Stiller was great”

WALNUTS: “Best thing he’s ever done”

PAULY: “Judd Apatow wrote it”

WALNUTS: “Best thing he's ever done"

PAULY: “Goldberg was in it.”

WALNUTS: “Goldberg was in it.”

PAULY: "And Kenan. And Hamilton Porter from The Sandlot!"

WALNUTS: "Nope. Not Porter"

PAULY: "What? Really? That's impossible."

WALNUTS: “I know it's pretty strange. A 90's kids movie about a fat camp, and they don't bring on the fat kid from the 90's? Essential roles The Sandlot and The Big Green. Go figure."

PAULY: "I guess he wasn't. He must have been busy".

An email comes in but I don't check it. Instead I lean back in my chair and chew on my pen cap.

WALNUTS: “Imagine casting for the kids in that movie. How would you word it? ‘We’re looking for ____ boys”

PAULY: “Heavy boys? Large boys?"

WALNUTS: “That could be misinterpreted. Maybe chubby? Chubby boys? If I were fat I don't know if I'd be offended by "chubby". There's absolutely nothing wrong with 'chubby'”

PAULY: “You know who else is in it? George Sr. himself! Jeffrey Tambor!”

WALNUTS: “(Tony Perkis voice) You wouldn’t want your father (checks the name) Maury Garner, to know that his son is a destroyer"

PAULY: “He has a great role! Worst Dad ever! God he’s awesome.”

WALNUTS: “I know! His son calls him and tells him that the camp he's paying for is nothing like the advertisements. He and the other campers are being abused and starved and ridiculed. Their letters home are being screened and confiscated. To all of this Maury sternly replies ‘I did not send you to GO KART CAMP!' What kind of response is that from a father!?”

Two terrible fathers

PAULY: “I suppose that's just Tambor's thing. And he does knock out Ben Stiller in the end, so he kinda makes up for it right? Plus Gerald wasn't really that memorable so I'm less outraged.”

WALNUTS: “It would’ve been nice to have the Hambino in that lead role now that you mention it. Wasted opportunity. Apart from Stiller the leads were sort of weak.”

PAULY: "Pat should've been played by Louis CK. He would've added necessary depth and anguish to the character. At the time he wasn't the big star he is now, so they could afford him. Plus, he's heavy. So it fits with the theme of the film."

WALNUTS: "Isla Fisher as the nurse?"

PAULY: "(Josh voice) This pleases me"

I Google Image search Isla Fisher. This pleases me.

WALNUTS: "But apart from the few casting issues, talk about an all-time classic."

PAULY: "We must have watched Heavyweights and The Sandlot about a million times between the ages of 6-10. I'm surprised it doesn't get the kind of recognition The Sandlot gets. They're fairly similar movies. They both have an ensemble cast of kids that act like teenagers, trying to overcome the odds. But only The Sandlot gets the ABC Family reruns."

WALNUTS: "Maybe it's because The Sandlot was more about moments, if that makes sense. You had the roller coaster vomit scene, Squints' deception of Wendy Peffercorn at the pool, the Fourth of July game underneath the fireworks as Ray Charles belts it out in the background."

I get chills, just from the memory. I check the email. It's not important.

PAULY: "Heavyweights has its moments too. The weigh-in sequences with Lars and the camera, Ben Stiller swinging like a maniac on that branch hanging off the cliff, the out of control food orgy after the kids take over the camp! Every kid on the planet dreamed of participating in that!"

WALNUTS: "But Heavyweights is more about twists and turns. When Josh is kicked out of camp and then comes back, I stood up and cheered. Also I couldn't believe it when the fat British kid was so easily fooled by that fake chocolate kiss Ben Stiller makes. The stakes always felt a little bit higher in Heavyweights."

PAULY: “Both are tremendous films. We are lucky to have been kids then. You could never make 'Heavyweights' work in 2013”

WALNUTS: “What do you mean?”

PAULY: "Well the first and most obvious reason is that the script is original. These days if the story isn't based on a book or a toy then it really doesn't have a shot."

WALNUTS: "Truth. A sad, sad, truth."

I sigh heavily as several partners walk by. "Wake up!" one says, mistaking the sigh for a yawn.

PAULY: “Second, do you think you could ever pitch it without making it sound like it’s a kids’ movie that makes fun of fat kids? You can't really get away with that anymore, the anti-bullying people would be all over it. There would be a Twitter outrage”

WALNUTS: “But it doesn't really make fun of fat kids."

PAULY: "I distinctly remember a scene where an enormous kid jumps on an inflated balloon called "The Blob", which propels the other fat kid high into the air and into the lake. This is in slow motion, set to "The Blue Danube"). Good for a laugh."

WALNUTS: "That wasn't that bad."

PAULY: "There's also a scene when the campers reveal the elaborate ways they hide the junk food. In the furniture, under the floorboard; one kid has salamis stuck to his back. Hilarious."

WALNUTS: "But we're still not making fun of the kids themselves."

PAULY: "In almost every single scene Ben Stiller makes fun of the kids themselves. He offers disparaging remarks over the PA system, verbally abuses them during their exercises, in particular pointing out their weight and why being fat makes them worthless. It's probably the best, most hilarious part of the whole movie."

WALNUTS: "But he was the villain and he falls in the end! The fat kids were the heroes! They stood up to the slim, athletic counselors and smoked those jerks from Camp MVP in the Apache Relay"

PAULY: "Good point. They also worked some serious game on those girls at the dance. That one kid gets a full on make out sesh. I can't remember the last time I've had one of those and I'm skinny as hell."

WALNUTS: "I'm just a love machine. And I won't work for nobody but you".

I forgot who sings that song. I look it up.

PAULY: "Ok I agree there was some redemption in the end. But think about it this way: Gerald didn't lose any weight (Maury was visibly frustrated about it). None of the kids did. Gerald's happiness and self-esteem has improved, but his life expectancy and risk of heart disease did not. Plus, this kid's not going to have Goldberg and Kenan and Pat and all the Chipmunks to hang out with when he gets back to school. Who's to say Gerald won't fall back into the same eating habits and unhealthy lifestyle. So in the end what have we learned? It's okay to be obese as long as you are content to be so You shouldn't have to struggle if you don't want to?

WALNUTS: "It's a no-win situation. The anti-bullying people would hate Heavyweights because they think it's making fun of obese kids. The people trying to end obesity would hate Heavyweights because they think glorifies being fat.

PAULY: On one hand, this is America. On the other hand..."

WALNUTS: "..what would Michelle Obama think?"