8) GUSHERS > EVERYTHIN: A CONFESSION

In more ways than I'd like to acknowledge, I have yet to become a full fledged adult. The size of my laundry pile has been at critical mass for about six years. The "Maintenance Required" light on the dashboard of my Corolla has been on for several months, and I'm starting to hear a faint and troubling squeaking noise from time to time. I often leave my keys in the door to my apartment overnight; this infuriates my roommates, particularly because my next door neighbor is a schizophrenic drug addict who thinks my roommates and I stole her ring. These are, if not inexcusable, then certainly frustrating habits and errors, not because they are particularly harmful, but because they could so easily avoided with the most basic sense of priorities and a modicum of time management skill. I have yet to develop these attributes. In fact, the goal now is not to become a functioning adult, but simply to escape a regression towards a child like lifestyle. I recently hit a new low. I started eating Gushers again.

I have a hard time talking about this, but I have an addiction. No one who has lost all their baby teeth should ever eat Gushers or any fruit snack, let alone one that dyes your tongue a disgusting shade of red-blue that somehow doesn't create purple. Good luck making conversation with anyone.  I'm 23 and  yesterday I ate a whole box, that means six packets of Gushers, in about 45 minutes. There's roughly 10 Gushers per packet, totaling 60 individual Gushers. This is a revolting amount of Gushers, but sadly not unusual for me. I've eaten twice that amount in one sitting before, and nothing, I repeat, NOTHING says rock bottom like laying in a heap on the couch surrounded by two empty boxes and twelve empty packets of Gushers. I remember seeing sparkles and tingling sensation in my mouth, surely the dissolution of my mouth and gums.

I remember the day my addiction resurfaced. I had stopped by Ralph's after an exhaustively dull day of work. I was looking for that 90 second rice that Uncle Ben's makes, went down the wrong aisle, found the fruit snacks, and the next thing I knew I was paying eight bucks for two boxes of Gushers because "God I haven't had Gushers in FOREVER!" It all happened so fast, and I suppose at the heart of it was a longing to return to a simpler, more innocent period of my life. I didn't know that this simple nostalgia trip would lock me in a vice grip of paralyzing hopelessness. I recently walked into a Rite Aid not far from my house hoping to score some Gush, but after prowling the "Groceries" section and interrogating the manager I discovered that the store didn't carry them. A person with self-respect might've grabbed a different candy, or even cut their losses and went home. I got back into my car and battled Wilshire traffic in the direction opposite my house, to Ralph's, just to get my fix. I polished off half a box on the way home.

This is the way I eat Gushers.

1) Open a packet

2) Take this:

 

3) Pop it in your mouth....that's about it. You can chew it or let it dissolve slowly. If you're revolted I understand, but I love a snack with some longevity.

Gushers are delicious, but not really. What they are is simple, like Pixie Sticks, Fun Dip, Big League Chew, processed, highly concentrated sugar rolled into convenient little balls. There is absolutely nothing to acquire as far as taste, that's why children, who have no taste, can't get enough of them. Most kids eventually grow out of their interest in snacks like Gushers, and into things like beer and raw oysters, foods that are bitter or even gross on the surface but complex and satisfying once acquired. I can appreciate adult tastes as well, I'm a man dammit, but there's nothing like the cheap thrill a Fruit Roll Up or a Capri Sun.  If you prefer "Goodfellas" to "The Godfather" you know may get a sense of what I'm talking about.

So I'm sorry Mom, Dad, any friends who thought they knew me, or teachers that have ever believed in me. I let you down. I eat Gushers, and chances are I will continue doing so. Because

GUSHERS > EVERYTHIN