Monday morning.
I sped down Wilshire, weaving in and out of blind spots and smoothly switching lanes, taking advantage of the open racing and plentiful gaps presented in a 6:00 AM commute. I fought off exhaustion at one of the many unnecessary stoplights in Koreatown by reflecting on how I spent my weekend. Like many of my weekends lately, it was enjoyed, unseized, and included only a small number of characters outside of myself. I thought about Snitch, which I saw Friday night at the Grove, and marveled at Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's dramatic improvement in dramatics. I thought about Otto Porter for a while and Jennifer Lawrence for a while longer. I looked at my brand spanking new mediocre haircut in the rear view mirror, matted down a stray sideburn with a palm full of saliva, and wondered if, at 23 years old, it was maybe time to start paying a barber to do it.
The few of us who work the "banker hours" (7-4) are zombies. As I hang my coat I see the lady who prepares the coffee everyday. "Monday.." we both nod, this being the first time and only time we say the word to each other, but it will eventually be uttered in the same manner to every other co-worker with whom we have nothing else to talk about. I go into each conference room and rearrange the chairs, flip the calenders, wipe down the tables, all in preparation for another long week of depositions and client meetings and events that I have been trained to believe are important. I do this quickly and thoroughly, not because I am particularly inspired this morning but because I want to get to my computer. Even on Monday mornings there are still things to look forward to.
1) The Internet is fantastic on Mondays. I settle into my chair at the reception desk, check my work email and log onto Explorer. The key for getting through Mondays, or if we're being honest most work days in general, is having a healthy and regular Internet rotation. The size and scope of your rotation really depends on the level or responsibility or level of attention required at your job; if you're an important person in your office and have maybe 30 minutes of down time, having a vast, diverse array of Internet distractions may not be your best course of action. If you're like me and have a little bit more time on you hands, you better sure up that rotation. My Internet perusal usually looks something like this (keep in mind this is the SFW version):
1) Facebook
2) Twitter (follow me @Ppatt78)
3) ESPN
4) Deadspin
5) Gawker
6) Casual Hoya
7) OVEREVERTHIN
8) CNN
I'm sure this is fairly standard; you undoubtedly share a few of these in your rotation. Our computers and phones and tablets know them by heart, and us by heart really. But they really shine on Mondays because of all the fresh updates. Of course there's new press, articles from your favorite writers or blogs or media outlets updating you on the games this weekend on the relevant political gaffe or Kardashian. I would rather wait a day or two on most "breaking news"; that way all the knee jerk Twitter reactions will have hopefully died down. I think back to the Newtown tragedy and the reckless Twitter rumors being tossed; nobody really knew what was going on until the next day.
Monday is also the best social network day. All the nice people you have been clandestinely observing via Facebook have added photos of themselves smiling with drinks in their hands, or some visited landscape ripped of its beauty by sepia tone, or themselves wearing swimsuits, and they all have time to update us on this vital information because..
2) ...nobody really works on Mondays anyway.
The secretarial services report comes in; four different secretaries have either called out entirely or are coming in late. I shake my head in disgust. I bet they think they're geniuses. The "call in sick" Monday or Friday move is amateur hour for obvious reasons, but it shows that Monday and Friday are essentially the same when it comes to work: nothing ever gets done. Half the office is "sick", the other half that decided to show up is thinking about the weekend. We spend a lot of time in the break room saying "Monday...", and "back to the grind" when we haven't ground anything except coffee. We drink as much coffee as humanly possible and then, not by coincidence, spend a lot of time after that in the bathroom. As a rule of thumb I try to stay out of the men's restroom between 9:30-11; place might as well be London during the Blitz.
Post-coffee
3) It's the the only day you can turn your life around.
Not much time left in the day now; the hours crawling. I'm looking through my email for a UPS tracking number. Last night before I feel asleep I ordered Reebok basketball shoes online. I did it because last week I played in running shoes and nearly snapped my ankles checking an old man as he drove to the basket; I threw out my old ones months ago because they were starting to reek and the spray was becoming less effective over time. I think back to when I was a kid, or even in college; I would never have imagined there would be a day when I didn't own basketball shoes, that I'd have to remind myself to play. So on a whim I decided enough was enough and I was going to get back on the wagon first thing Monday morning. Nobody changes on a Tuesday or Saturday. You can't decide you're finally going to update that resume or hit the gym or learn the cello mid-week. You didn't think to start doing this or quit doing that or finally talk to her during the week, because who has the energy? The seeds of change are planted on Sunday nights; the ideas come while you're laying in your bed, maybe after football, the moments before sleep that people take to assess themselves. In that way Mondays are made more hopeful.
So enjoy Mondays, pretty soon you'll be 20% done with your week. Surf the Internet, avoid work, and dominate old people at basketball. The day is yours!
MONDAYS > EVERYTHIN
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